


In This Life and the Next One

by IllyriatheSmurf7



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff and Smut, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-05
Updated: 2015-11-05
Packaged: 2018-04-30 02:22:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5146751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IllyriatheSmurf7/pseuds/IllyriatheSmurf7
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I want you to live while I wait for you, asleep. I want what I love to continue to live.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In This Life and the Next One

_The cuffs cut into her wrists with every violent tug, but despite the pain and the blood running down her hands, she can't bring herself to stop struggling. She uselessly keeps trying to jerk her hands out of the cuffs, trying to free herself from the crushing hold on both of her arms. She fights, thrashes around, but it's all useless. The two men holding her down on her knees are too strong, and she is powerless. There is nothing she can do, except watch._

 

_She is forced to watch as the girl she loves gets tortured right in front of her. Tied to a post, clothes torn, blood covering every inch of her. They beat her, cut her, burn her. They break her bones and rip her flesh, tearing out from her throat scream after scream. Being forced to watch is worse than any torture she could ever imagine, an agony deep within her heart, and every scream the love of her life can't hold back feels like a knife cutting her from the inside._

 

_Then they stop, but there is no time for relief, because_ she _appears. Tall, pale, terrifying. Cold eyes devoid of any emotion. The personification of the ice she reigns over. Nia gives a sign to her men, and they untie the barely conscious girl from the post and push her to the ground. As soon as the Queen moves to stand behind the broken girl, the girl she loves, her spirit, her everything, and draws her sword, she knows what is about to happen. And her heart stops in her chest._

 

_She doubles her efforts to get free, she becomes a wild animal, but nothing she does is enough. She screams, she threatens, she begs when the Queen places the blade of her sword against her love's neck. Tears are falling freely down her face, because she knows there is nothing she can do to stop this. One last broken 'please...' escapes from her mouth, then Nia raises her sword. Brown eyes meet green for the last time. Then an agonizing scream rips out from Costia's throat as Lexa's severed head falls to the ground._

 

"Costia!"

 

Costia jolts awake, gasping, covered in sweat. She blinks repeatedly, trying to focus and to calm down. A hand cupping her face startles her and she flinches, but the moment she turns her head in that direction and finds a pair of green, concerned eyes staring right back at her, suddenly she remembers how to breathe.

 

"Lexa..."

 

Lexa nods and runs a hand through Costia's hair. "Yes, Costia, I'm here..." She can feel her shaking against her touch, so she takes one of Costia's hands and brings it to her lips. 

 

"You were screaming in your sleep. Gustus thought to an aggression. What happened?”

 

The feeling of Lexa's soft lips against her skin is so familiar and comforting that Costia feels her hammering heart starting to slow down. Lexa is there, next to her. They are still in the Trigedakru camp, in their bed and it was only a dream. A stupid dream. But still... it was so real, and thinking about it again, Costia feels tears welling up into her eyes.

 

"You– you were... I had to watch you–" She can't go on before a sob escapes from her mouth. Seeing how upset she really is, Lexa immediately pulls her into her arms, and Costia wraps herself tight around her lover, burying her face in the crook of her neck.

 

"It's okay, my love..." Lexa whispers, rubbing slow, soothing circles on her back. "I am fine. I'm here with you, I'm okay. It was only a nightmare." 

 

Costia doesn't know how long they stay like that, holding each other, but at some point, Lexa's soothing voice and the warmth of her body manage to make her calm down, and Costia finally relaxes against her.

 

"It was horrible," she whispers against her neck.

 

"Do you wish to talk about it?"

 

But Costia just shakes her head. There is no need to talk about it. She doesn't want to relive it, and she knows exactly what caused it. She hates this war. She has always hated any type of conflict, but the Ice Nation is a much more vicious enemy than she could have ever imagined. And as a healer, she is used to witness horrific things. But seeing the massacre the Azgeda warriors had committed in one of the Trigeda villages yesterday, seeing the dead children, seeing the maimed, mangled headless body of the village leader... that had been too much even for her. So now she was here, scared to death that the same might happen to the one person she cannot live without.

 

She finally lifts her head and presses a searing kiss on Lexa's lips. It's deep, passionate, demanding, and it takes Lexa by surprise at first, but only for a moment before the girl replies with the exact same hunger. When they finally separate, they are both out of breath.

 

"So," Lexa starts between pants. The corner of her lips curves up in a small, cheeky smile. “If this is the result, maybe you should start having more nightmares?”

 

Costia blinks, taken aback for a second, but then she shakes her head and pokes Lexa on her shoulder. A quiet laugh bubbles up from both their throats. Yes, she definitely feels better now. Her Lexa is alive. Lexa, with her horrible sense of humor and her delicate smile, is right next to her and is fine. 

 

But no matter how beautiful this moment is, how peaceful, Costia still cannot shake away the bad feeling in the pit of her stomach. Because _her_ Lexa is fine, she can keep her safe between her arms, but she has no way of protecting Heda.

 

"You are still upset..." 

 

Costia's heart swells in her chest. Of course Lexa would notice. She always can sense when something is wrong with her, when something is bothering. The most intuitive, precious girl Costia has ever known.

 

"How can I not be?" she answers after a moment of silence.

 

"We have faced many enemies," Lexa starts, her fingers gently tracing the curve of Costia's hip. "The Ice Nation is not different."

 

"Don't lie to me..." Costia lets out a soft sigh. She is used to the ache in her chest, the constant worry over Lexa's life. It's the price to pay for loving a Commander. But this time she just cannot shut it down. It keeps poking her from the inside, whispering in her ear words of threat and danger. "Queen Nia is known for her ruthlessness. You've seen better than me what her warriors are doing. Don't underestimate her, Lexa. Please..."

 

"I'm not. I won't." Lexa is quick to reassure her. She cups Costia's face and softly brushes her cheekbone with her thumb. "But Nia is just another enemy. More vicious, more cruel, but still human. Fallible. I will defeat her just like the others. And then we will have the peace we have always wanted.” 

 

There is no uncertainty in Lexa’s voice. Costa tries to find some trace of doubt in her eyes, but she finds nothing. Lexa’s eyes are clear, honest, limpid. Costia just stares into those eyes: green and silver, like a forest illuminated by moon rays, that’s the only way she knows how to describe them. She stares into them, and she has never felt more in love. She wishes Lexa could always look like this. She wishes her face wouldn’t have to be hardened by the weight of responsibilities, of harsh choices, of deaths on her hands. Lexa is the most caring, gentle person she has ever met, but her softness is so fragile, and this war threatens to crush it and annihilate it. To annihilate _her_. It is the most horrifying thought.

 

“You know I cannot lose you, right?” Costia barely breathes out the words, but in the silence of her tent, they echo everywhere and resonate more than any scream. Lexa doesn’t say anything for several seconds. She just stares, like she often does, with her intense gaze. So piercing that Costia just cannot look away. It’s like drowning into the depths of the ocean.

 

Then Lexa closes the small space between them and kisses her. 

 

A kiss so different from the previous one. Gentle, intimate, a silent declaration more powerful than all the ‘I love you’s in the world. This one small touch, to make Costia not feel alone in the vast universe.

 

When Lexa finally breaks the kiss and rests her forehead against Costia’s, the brunette’s heart is slamming against her ribs.

 

“You will not lose me. You will never lose me. I am yours Costia, forever. In this life and the next one.”

Their vow. _In this life and the next one._ They were Costia’s words originally, first pronounced right after Lexa had become Heda. Costia had found her in her room, shaking like a leaf, and eventually she had revealed how terrified she truly was about her new title. Afraid of the things she would have to do, afraid of the choices she would have to make. Afraid that everything would change, even between them. And Costia had done the exact same thing Lexa had done now: she had kissed her, told her she would always love her, and that they would always belong to each other. In this life and the next one.

 

Costia knows Lexa’s choice of words is far from casual, and the thought brings a smile on her face. Usually she is the one comforting Lexa, whispering soothing words to her, supporting her through every challenge or fear. And the one time she was the one who needed this, Lexa was perfect.

 

“In this life and the next one…” she answers back, and Lexa smiles too. She presses another small peck against Costia’s lips, and then that beautiful smile grows until Costia is staring at a grinning Lexa.

 

“Also, if I remember correctly, there is only one person who is allowed to kill me, right?”

 

Costia can’t help but giggle. A liberating laugh, so relieving, making the weight on her chest melt away. She knows exactly what Lexa is referring to. She could never forget that day. Lexa was seventeen, Costia one year older than her, and Lexa had been into her first huge conflict as Heda, and it had been awful. An arrow had hit Lexa right into her chest. Two millimeters to the left and it would have punctured the lung, making her choke in her own blood. Still, the wound had gotten infected, and Lexa had developed a burning fever. She had stayed asleep for three, critical days, days Costia had spent always by her side, never leaving her alone. And when finally Lexa had cracked her eyes open and had stared at Costia with a tired, sleepy smile, Costia first had crashed her lips against hers, and then she had punched her into the shoulder.

 

_“Never do this to me again. Do you understand, Lexa? Never! You don’t have the permission to die, not while I am with you. Only I am allowed to kill you.”_

 

Costia keeps laughing and Lexa laughs with her, and it is the most beautiful sound. All the worries from before are gone, and Costia climbs on top of Lexa and presses kisses on every inch of her face.

 

“That’s right, always remember it, Lexa. Only I can… kill you!” 

 

And out of nowhere she pushes her fingers into Lexa’s ribs and starts tickling her. The reaction is immediate. Lexa lets out a squeak and starts flailing around, trying to escape the tormenting fingers. She laughs out loud, begging Costia to stop. The almighty Commander reduced to begging by a little tickling.

 

Costia keeps tormenting her for a while, until finally she mercifully stops. She watches Lexa laughing and trying to catch her breath. Her eyes are closed, hair splayed out on the pillow, face completely relaxed. She is beautiful, and Costia is the only one who gets to see her like this. This Lexa is only hers, she is her secret, her privilege. And Costia is overwhelmed. 

 

She doesn’t even realize that she has already moved when she leans forward and kisses Lexa again.

 

She waits for Lexa to realize what is happening and to respond, then she deepens the kiss. She opens her mouth and sucks Lexa’s bottom lip between hers, gently nipping at it. The low moan she receives in response is the best reward. Lexa’s hands come up to caress first her hips and then her back, where they gently press to invite her to lie down on top of her. Costia makes no resistance and when their chests rub together, tender skin protected only by the thin material of their shirts, this time she is the one to moan. She wraps one hand behind Lexa’s neck while the other slips under the fabric of her shirt. Her fingers travel from Lexa’s flat stomach to the small swell of her breasts, and when her thumb finds a hardened nipple, Lexa gasps against Costia’s lips.

 

“Costia…”

 

Hands clench on her back, only inviting her to continue. She leaves Lexa’s mouth, but her lips quickly start a journey down her neck. She presses soft kisses here and there, but when she finds Lexa’s pulse point, one of her weak spots, she starts sucking and nipping, torturing the sensitive skin in the most delicious way. The reaction is immediate and Lexa jolts under her.

 

“C-Costia, we can’t…” Lexa tries, her voice lacking any sort of conviction. Only inviting Costia to torment her more.

 

“Uh? And why is that?” Costia asks with a low voice, teasing, her lips moving to Lexa’s collarbone, while her fingers travel down, to scratch and caress the skin on her hip, only to move even lower, to toy with the waistband of the girl’s underwear.

 

“Gustus… Gustus is the one guarding us tonight. If he hears–“

 

“Then you better keep quiet, my love…” Costia interrupts her, slowly slipping her hand inside Lexa’s panties. She hesitates for the shortest second, but despite her words, Lexa makes no gesture of wanting Costia to stop. If anything, she draws the girl on top of her even closer, showing how much she actually wants this. As if her body’s reaction wasn’t revealing enough.

 

Costia’s tongue on her collarbone, combined with the slow movements inside her underwear, makes Lexa tremble and a whimper escapes from her mouth before she can stop it. Costia chuckles softly at that beautiful sound.

 

Lexa tries. She tries really hard to keep quiet, but she just can’t. And Costia didn’t want her to. Not tonight. Tonight Costia does everything she can to please the girl she loves; she pushes her need aside and focuses solely on Lexa. She makes her tremble and whimper and cry out. She feeds off the feeling of Lexa quaking underneath her. Feeling her pressed against her skin, shaking in pleasure, feeling her _alive_ , is everything Costia needs that night.

 

They eventually fall into a deep slumber, exhausted, wrapped around each other, one spirit connecting two bodies.

 

The morning after, when they get out of the tent, trying to hide the huge grin that keeps threatening to appear on both of their faces, Gustus says nothing. But his look is worth more than a thousand words, and this time Costia just can’t not laugh.

 

* * *

 

She gets taken by the Azgeda warriors one week after that night. They ask her questions she doesn’t have an answer for. So they hurt her. They torture her in ways she didn’t even believe possible, telling her that everything can stop if she just caves in and betrays Lexa. She just spits blood in their face, and screams that they will never get what they want. So the torture goes on. She doesn’t know for how long. It could be a week, it could be a year. It still feels like an eternity to her. At one point they even stop with the questions, just like she stops screaming insults. Now she just screams. Until even that becomes too painful and tiring, so all she can do is groan and whimper and sob. She clings to every happy memory she has, creating a sanctuary inside her own mind, a safe haven where everything is the color of the forest under the moonlight.

 

The one thing she is happy about is that she is the one in the Ice Queen’s hands. Her nightmare didn’t become true, Lexa remained untouched, and that is enough to give her strength through all the pain.

 

She knows what is going to happen the day the Queen herself shows up in her cell. There is no fear in her heart, only regret. She wishes she had had more time with Lexa. _Her_ Lexa. She sends a prayer to the Old Spirits, for Lexa to stay the way she is, for this to not change her, for her to be strong in this moment of pain. She hopes their spirits might meet again one day. _In the next life_. But for now, Costia is just glad Lexa will keep living, even if she won’t get to be close to her again.

 

Lexa will keep living. That’s the thought that runs through Costia’s mind right before the Queen’s sword cuts her down.

She made a mistake, though. One she could not predict. Because her head is sent to Lexa, and suddenly her playful warning is not a warning anymore. Maybe it’s better this way. Maybe it’s better to wait for the next life. Because this way, she won’t have to see Lexa falling to pieces. She won’t have to see her words become true.

 

Because with her death, ultimately, Costia did it.

 

She killed Lexa.

 


End file.
